Eber: Give universal suffrage to Chickens

 

Richard Eber, California Political News and Views

A crisis is brewing in Washington D.C.  There is a possibility that the Supreme Court will allow Donald Trump to build his wall with Mexico and drastically reduce the number of undocumented aliens crossing our borders.

It is feared that over time, this will reduce the inventory of potential Democratic voters for upcoming elections.  In addition there is concern that if Hispanics become prosperous because of less completion from inexpensive labor sources, they will not automatically vote from Progressive candidates put forth by the Democratic National Committee (DNC)

These liberals have concluded the cause of keeping Donald Trump from being elected to a second term is so important that no chances can be taken in making sure he is defeated. Increasing the pool of eligible voters is a top priority.

The thought of giving sheep the opportunity to cast their ballots has been seriously considered. One positive aspect is these animals are such excellent followers.  They would not blink with the national debt falling off the fiscal cliff.  However there is a problem of not having a high enough of a lamb population in the USA to influence close elections.

Apparently there is too much product being imported from New Zealand.  Unfortunately, frozen meat cannot be converted, even if cooked rare into naturalized citizens in order to be eligible to vote.

Goats are not dependable enough and mules are too stubborn so Democratic strategists have come up with the idea of granting universal suffrage to chickens in order to defeat the President. Support has quickly come from Congressional leaders including Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi.  Just think of the possibilities? With Chicken Little on your side, negative advertising would work every time.

A bill was just introduced in the Senate by Kamala Harris (D -California) to offer voting rights to at least 800 million of these birds.  Critics contend Harris is little better than poultry because she is constantly having her feathers ruffled, easily goes off “half cocked” and has been known to  be running around like a chicken with its head cut off with many of her views.

Favorable backing of chicken suffrage has come quickly from the animal rights groups.  PETA   in particular, has long been in opposition of the poor conditions these birds have been forced to endure during their brief lifetimes. A spokesperson for the organization said “The intelligence, kindness, and sensitivity of chicken can play an important role in the American political system.  Once they can vote, we can work to eliminate the genocidal conditions they have had to endure over the years.”

Those in the DNC have a different view of molding the chicken vote to help create the Progressive Society they dream of.  Party leaders hope to have farmers grant them proxies to control the votes of their flocks.  These rights would be grandfathered in such a way that they would have the proxies of at least 100 generations of these birds. The DNC believes this stipulation in the legislation would enable them to overcome the problem of “counting your chickens before they are hatched” as happened in 2016.

With this in mind Democrats plan on creating new Poultry Rights legislation.  With Nancy Pelosi in charge, it is believed new laws could be passed denying farmers from slaughtering chickens within 90 days of a presidential election.  During this time every bird could appeal their death sentences in Federal Court.  Should chickens not have access to an attorney, the government would provide a public defender to represent them.

If any chicken is incarcerated, they would need to be humanly treated and be given at least 2 meters per bird of grazing space. In addition these fryers would be given the option of munching on organic or glutton free products made from scratch.  Bird rights advocates contend that when their case is on appeal, chickens planning  on flying the coup, much like illegal aliens, should be freed without  bail for at least six months or until their case can be heard

Jury trials are being planned to see if chickens should be set free or sent to the gallows to become McNuggets.  In a case just unsealed we see a transcript of a therapy session of chicken trying to avoid the death penalty

Psychiatrist: What seems to be your problem?

Patient: I think I’m a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this condition been going on?

Patient: Well, ever since I came out of my shell.

Psychiatrist:  Are you afraid?

Patient: Of course, I’m chicken!

Democrats explain that giving chicken suffrage will have a positive effect on American Society. It will take away from the racist notion of voters being stupid and “bird brained”.  Also civil rights advocates point out there is great diversity with this new voting block as chickens are equally representing by dark meat (thighs-drumsticks versus breasts and wings.) As a bonus, the feet are shipped to China.

Strangely enough President Trump, who prides himself in being the Rooster and Chief, sees that if Chickens are given the right to vote, it may be possible to have Hillary Clinton as an opponent once again.  Bill has already cut a deal with fellow Arkansas poultry power Tyson. It stipulates that as long as Hillary does not place Colonial Sanders in her “Basket of Deplorables.”, they will support her candidacy.

Republicans are crying “foul” in trying to deter their Democratic foes to engage in blatant vote harvesting utilizing chickens.  They want to limit the number of birds eligible to vote by instituting mandatory birth control, even if such tactics are disliked by their base.

GOP leaders also oppose the attempts of Democrats to keep roosters from being able to cast ballots on Election Day. Progressives are concerned with work habits of these male birds of getting up at the crack of dawn to do their jobs.  Such strong work ethic they believe will make these roosters become the conservative Republicans of tomorrow.

The GOP in California has no way of attracting chickens or anyone else to their flock of supporters.  The State Party is on life support while remaining legislators have little hope of stemming the flight of whatever votes they might have controlled in the past.

Democrats intend on successfully gaining the chicken vote at all costs.   Along with the ballot harvesting they accomplished in Orange County in 2018 to elect new House members and legislators, they likely cannot be stopped in creating their ultimate Marxist utopia in California.

While hanging out at their country clubs to commensurate their fall from power, Republicans will likely is replaced by a new Green PETA Party of vegetarians who hope to reduce Greenhouse Gases by banning cows from residing in the Golden State.

If this takes place, it might be time for us to leave California in order to join our Longhorn friends in Texas.

Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.


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