P.C. Christmas circa 2017


by Richard Eber

I’m dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

Just like the green one I never knew

With birds chirping while no carbon footprints are lurking

And air pollution is not making pathways in the sky

I’m dreaming of a P.C. holiday season

Just like the proper one I never knew

Where diversity is reigning, no need for explaining

Why racial quotas can be found everywhere

I’m dreaming of a Progressive Spare the Air Dec. 25tht

Just like the “Blue” one I never knew

Where Chuck Schumer is cherished while the middle class does perish

And Nancy Pelosi can blame the GOP Congress for everything

I’m dreaming of a re-counted  White Christmas

Just like the one I never knew in Pa., Wisconsin, and Michigan

Where the votes are re-tallied enabling Hillary to rally

Because God has intervened to fire Donald Trump

Things are so politically correct these days that as 2017 comes to an end, overly sensitive Progressives, still in mourning after the loss of Hillary Clinton in the Presidential election want to make sure their advisories have a “deplorable” Christmas; or as they like to  say “Holiday Season”.

The P.C. Christmas crowd dislikes this most traditional of American holidays when families gather together to celebrate a birth that occurred over 2000 years ago.  They distain God being mentioned as this might offend atheists.

Having a son of God is even more distasteful in P.C. world because recognizing a higher being could be construed as a case of divinity profiling. It would also go against the concept that Big Government is the answer to all that ails us.  How can we have a politically correct Christmas when anarchists, Marxists, terrorists, Isis, and the Taliban feel they are being discriminated against? 

Even worse if these terrorists and their immediate families (including the first 10 wives and off spring), cannot freely immigrate to the United States, how terrible would that be?

In a perfect world could  it ever be possible to tolerate “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” when such am activity  is  clearly in violation of creating toxic fumes on Spare the Air day?  Along with obliterating the Washington Redskins mascot could we at least rename the “Campfire Girls” the Young Solar Women? And how about changing the lyrics of Christmas music to eliminate God, Christ, the Lord, and that little town located at latitude 31.26 North Longitude 35.7 East?

Such actions might even make Holiday Inn’s seem to be festive places, which is not an easy job to do.

In government run schools, Christmas vacation has been substituted by having a Winter Recess. Christmas trees, decorated by lights and ornaments have been replaced by what are now called “Holiday Exhibitions.” Christmas cards are now taboo. Sending an end of the year message on Twitter will suffice. Even saying the pledge of allegiance or standing for the National Anthem is unfashionable these days.

If only we could encourage folks to get together for a regular dinner on December 25th instead of mentioning the “C” word.  Perhaps the P.C. Police, with a grant from George Soros, can commission a video showing how the end of the year should be properly celebrated.

With that in mind I was able to obtain a pirated copy of the Progressive Holiday Guide, put out by the Democratic Party Central Committee.  My facsimile, which was received courtesy of WikiLeaks and Russian President Vladimir Putin, must be authentic as it was approved by Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Donna Brazile on a need to know basis.

Apparently, there are plans to swap old versions of Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer with a more politically correct one. The authorities are uncomfortable with this tale of heroic deeds performed by a mindless four hoofed creature. The new progressive Rudolf study guide reads:

“First of all calling Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer is an obvious attempt at racially profiling Santa’s favorite beast as the animal is different than Vixen, Blixen,  Nixon, Dasher, and Pelosi. It is also painfully obvious that Rudolf was a victim of bullying from his reindeer colleagues. In addition, after evaluating the medical condition that led to Rudolf having a red noose, it is probable that he had a drinking problem caused from consuming too much spiked eggnog during the holiday season.

Whether the actions of those who teased and played cruel jokes on Rudolf as part of Reindeer Games comprised a “hate crime”, should be reviewed by a special prosecutor in late December (after all presents  have been delivered and possibly returned by that time.) Other avenues of investigation of Rudolf’s antagonists involve possible special circumstances in violation to The American’s with Disabilities Act. It is widely known that the intellectual capacities of the red nosed one is a bit short of a six pack.

Meanwhile OSHA is looking into complaints concerning the unsafe condition of chimney’s the guy in the red suit has a history of dropping down from. In the future they want Hazmat approved inspections under the terms of a Project Labor Agreement, (PLA) prior to Santa entering residences from roof top sites

 A blue ribbon committee made up from representatives from the SPCA and PETA are looking into allegations that Rudolf and his fellow reindeers were inhumanely treated during the 24 hour trek from the North Pole to deliver toys to children throughout the world.

Of concern to PETA is the heavy workload on Rudolf as evidenced by the perceptible limp last year of Santa’s favorite helper? An executive of the organization remarked, “It does not matter if the reindeer did not complain about the heavy work load delivering packages or file a grievance about unsafe flying conditions.” 

A government bureaucrat who was moon lighting from his regular job  determining Spare the Air day remarked “With so many packages delivered by the One Horse Open Sleigh, perhaps we should consider allowing Santa and his reindeer team to subcontract some of this work out to FedEx, UPS, or Amazon.” This suggestion was rejected by  Saint Nick who was quoted as saying,  “I can still do the job, Ho, Ho, Ho! “

There are also reports of labor disputes this year at the North Pole. The Service Employee International Union (SEIU) is trying to organize the elves who are involved in the process of toy manufacturing. They demand more coffee breaks, a $15.00 per hour minimum living wage, medical benefits, and a family leave program for the elves who whistle while they work, yet have nothing to show for it.

It is hoped that when future generations listen to the words “Rudolf the Blue Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go down in history” are spoken, at least they will hear the politically correct version.

Government censors are also making sure no one will ever read the outdated Dickens classic A Christmas Carol, again. If this tale is ever to be repeated Child Protective Services would intervene with special education, family counseling and a free breakfast program for Tiny Tim. No need for the little guy to suffer and depend on Christmas’s past and present along with intervention from Ghosts to achieve social justice. In addition, that cruel capitalist Scrooge fellow should be audited by the IRS and jailed for income tax evasion.

When the story concludes a feast is celebrated where cookies are served that are certified to be organic and glutton free.  Nutritionists will be on hand to make sure no one overeats or suffers from a sugar induced temper tantrum. The Government will offer Free legal advice if kids want to sue their parents on child endangerment charges.

And a Merry Christmas or pleasant Holiday Season to all depending on your comfort level with this event.

Richard Eber studied journalism at the University of Oregon. He writes about politics, culture, education restaurants, and was former city and sports editor of UCSB Daily. Richard is president of Amerasa Rapid Transit, a specialized freight forwarder.

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